the saddest thing

So we're sitting at the hospital right now and I just had to write down possibly the saddest thing EVER. I know all babys cry when they're unhappy, yes I realize that, but to see your baby cry and not being able to do anything about it is the worse thing EVER! Realize that I said see not hear. She's on the ventilator so when she crys all you see is this poor baby screaming with no sound turning beet red, shaking, watching her heart beat go sky high and knowing there's nothing you can do about it but go get the nurse and let them do their job. You see Ava needs suctioned out, and now that's she's getting more strong and staying awake for a while she needs suctioned out more often. I was sitting there writing in her baby book and something told me to look over. She was doing the crying thing. The nurse came over and suctioned her out. Well Ms. Ava is developing her own little personality. She was telling us her dislikes!!! She deff. wants her mouth suctioned out first. She does not like all of those frothy bubbles in there. The nurse now knows to do that first. I can't stand it, it takes every thing I have to not break down and cry every time. I know it's not forever and I'll hear her crys soon, but it's so so so hard. I can't even put it into words. Ava stayed awake for about 45 minutes today when we got here. I love knowing that just my voice alone wakes her up. She knows her mommys voice :) She knows Erics too. She stayed awake for so long my ankles were starting to swell. I finally got a stool to sit down. She just stared and stared and stared. It was the sweetest thing. The only bad thing about that is she gets so worked up she starts to get more stuff in her mouth and needs suctioned out again, that scares me. The nurse says it's good though that she's staying awake longer and moving a lot. It shows that she's getting stronger. I took a couple new pictures of her today. She's a tad jaundice so she looks like a little mexican baby in one of them, lol. I'll post them when I get home this evening, or else tomorrow sometime. Oh and Christa... I took a picture of her beautiful hair in the back... just for YOU! The doctor also mentioned today that there was a little tiny bit of blood in the left side of her head. She assured us it's nothing to worry about, it won't get worse, and it won't cause any type of developmental delays or anything like that. Sounds scarier than what it is I guess. It goes from 1 to 4, and hers is a one. She couldnt tell me when we could expect her home but she said it prob wouldnt be a couple weeks but they hope it will be less than a couple months, so we'll see. I think she's going to show them and it'll be sooner than later :) We still can't hold her. The feeding tube was placed in her stomach during surgery and if it gets moved (by her nose) it could come out and that would be bad. So no holding for I'm not sure how long. Well I'll keep everyone posted.... and again I'll post some new pictures here in a bit. For some reason it's not letting me post pictures right now, I'll try posting under a new blog and see what happens??? It just shows up as a bunch of letters everytime i try to post them, weird!!